The Devil’s Dictionary of Technology and Law
Artificial intelligence: An intelligence sometimes so intelligent that it extends beyond the comprehension of human intelligence.
Automating: A preparation of the documentary ‘Rise of the Planet of the E-Apes’. It begins with an anonymous, obscured housekeeper recounting how he lost his job to a machine.
blockchain: Learning this concept will instantly block your chain of thought and you will lock it out of your system forever. See also: Jurisprudence.
standard clause: A set of terms in a contract that is used mutatis mutandis to save time and effort, only to increase both time and effort in the form of dispute resolution.
Case Management Information System (CMIS): A system that informally stress tests lawyers before producing the desired result. This is done to maintain the highest levels of mental stamina in the legal fraternity.
cloud service: A digital space to store your data, often made available to you “free of charge” the real product is not the cloud service but you.
Compliance: A business practice that has, somehow, prevented thirsty predators from abusing and misusing resources to prey on each other and the masses. It is a question of drowning said predators in redundant procedures.
Cryptocurrency: A digital asset class that takes an investor and their money from “asmano ki uchaiyo me…bohot upar” at “500 le le land kara de” while surrounded by kohra tweets from Elon Musk, saying to himself “mai (beep) hu jo ism aya.”
cyber security: A process involving acts of good faith similar to fighting hostile gunmen with a pencil. You have to be accurate every time, they have to be accurate only once. Even this type of security requires that you ‘jaagte raho’ always.
Data protection: A concept you only take seriously after you’ve been victimized by anything or anyone you needed to protect yourself from.
Decentralized finance (Challenge): (De)banking using blockchain technology to challenge (pun) the existing banking system.
Disruptive technology: Brand new technology that convinces 20 year olds to invest in it »because it’s the future”. To create “long-term wealth and retire at 20”. My dear 20 year old, Savdhan rah! Satark rah!
Drone: A mechanical creature capable of operating in air, water, and land. Still, most likely to be spotted at weddings hovering over Priti and Pankaj as they do the “Titanic” pose. If you spot several, someone finds their own match in the crowd from the comfort of their home.
E-commerce: A new weapon in the arsenal of traders who persist in paying the seller at a discount, instead of buying at app actually offering these prices! If the customer is king, this one is annoying.
Esports: A full-time profession, pending the approval of Indian parents. It involves mastering online physical activity and skills at the expense of real physical activity and skills.
FinTech: An evolving breed of finance professionals who now monitor every bit of your data in addition to their historical interest in your money.
(5)G: Fifth-generation technology using higher spectrum to increase the speed of messages on “5G health risks” among others. An opportunity for businesses and celebrities to stay relevant in the market.
geospatial technology: Using modern tools and technologies that range from remarkable information systems that can predict natural disasters, to navigation systems that occasionally direct you to the wrong side of a one-way road with confidence.
Health-Tech: Innovations such as contactless healthcare to ensure the health, care and safety of doctors avoiding all contact with the patient’s families and other potentially violent actors.
Information Solutions: A new class of professionals who constantly convince you that they are the silver bullet to all of humanity’s problems while charging you enough to cause financial trouble.
Intellectual property: Protectable creations of the mind, often non-intellectual in our time. Like this article.
internet of things: An interactive system of things leading to a world where your mobile will be connected to your laptop, tablet, smart watch, smart glasses, smart coffee cup, smart fridge, smart microwave, robotic vacuum cleaner, robotic guard dogs and a smart gun to shoot dogs if their system gets corrupted. In simpler terms, an all-you-can-eat buffet serving near-limitless corporate data delights.
machine learning: An overly optimistic human effort to make machines better at this a trait that has ensured their sustenance as a species. In a world of survival of the fittest!
Meme Coin: A class of cryptocurrency that should take you ‘chaand tak’ but does not last ‘shaam tak’.
Phishing: A tool in a fraudster’s toolbox that requires less effort and time to generate more money than its labor-intensive namesake, fishing.
Private life: An invasion of this by ‘mohalle ki aunt’ is frowned upon. But a breach by tech companies, data companies, government and other hackers/fraudsters (who end up serving it to ‘mohalle ki aunt‘) is omitted for convenience.
Ransomware: Numerical equivalent of Omni van.
Regulation: An often disproportionate response by the state to curb the behemoth of disruptive technology long after it has affected industries, children’s FDs and the environment.
Simulated reality: A concept complex enough to make it a Christopher Nolan movie out of it.
Smart contract: A contract capable of executing and enforcing itself, unlike regular contracts which require either courts or Vasooli Bhai to enforce them.
Srikrishna Committee: A committee made up of those older family members who have a remarkable understanding of all the trendy technology while a much younger you is clueless.
Monitoring: Guaranteed to prevent others from plundering you in ancient times. Allows (almost) anyone to loot you in an innovative way lately.
Technical-legal nomenclature: Call a spade a Flat Blade Manually Operated Grounding Device (FMUD). And a shovel one Curved Blade Manual Grounding Device (CMUD). Collectively calling them and the person operating them a Manual Undigging System (MUS). This is done to avoid any ambiguity. Also to affirm the exclusivity of the legal profession.
Technical contract: A ranking in contracts made because, well, Why not?
TMT: An area of legal practice that deserves the name DTT given the explosion she has been witnessing lately.
User Interface/User Experience: A web-based user engagement platform design in which the term web represents a real the Web meant to entangle you with the website/app for the “service provider” spider to feed endlessly.
Unmanned aerial vehicle (UAV): Mangifera indica equivalent of the drone genre.
Virtual meetings: A place online where you lose your internet connection, your patience, your persuasion and your confidential data before you lose your mind.
Visual line of sight (VLOS): Use of drones in this looks like a remote control helicopter. Beyond that, it feels like a nail-biting, mind-numbing video game with no room for error.